For the last couple of weeks I have been fighting such an internal battle with myself… with God. I’m hearing him but am I really listening? I’ve asked the questions, he has provided the answers, the signs…. so why am I so afraid?
Why can I not let go of the worlds expectations & just do what the whispering in my heart says is the right thing. I feel it within my fiber yet I am so afraid. I wish that he would still the fear but I suppose he has done enough to this point, now its my turn.
Every message I have ever preached, every little saying I have developed for myself & shared with others now comes to head for me. Its time for me to practice what I have preached & just step out into the unknown. I have not too long ago been reminded to trust…
What does the road ahead hold, is it a two way street, can it be? Does this lead to a crossroad or can it possibly go both ways? Surely IT CANNOT! SURELY I cannot be this blessed? Surely it cant possibly be that good? LIFE….
Or can it?
I need to be brave, this may be the bravest I have ever had to be because I have to trust my own instinct & have a faith in MYSELF that is so immense. Although the confusion & the fear is self inflicted, it is the most scary because I have created it, birthed it & I breathe life into it every time I show distrust towards Gods plan & my own abilities.
Why, Why, Why am I so afraid & how do I move past the fear? How do I trust that God would not have led me here to fail, he would not have brought me to the edge of this abyss to let me just fall over the edge. He has a plan, either to carry me over or to teach me to fly…..
God has shown me multiple times over the last while that he only has my best interest at heart. That he wants to give me the things that makes my heart sing. In talking to me in moments that are so unexpected, he brings me to the point where the tears literally fall from my eyes. There is a sadness & a joy & it is so real that it rips me to pieces. That is how loudly he is speaking to me
WHAT DO I ACTUALLY FEAR? I think what I fear the most is living outside of what I perceive to be normal. He is NOT asking me to make a choice, not yet, he is asking me to trust him but I am making things complicated. It does not have to be black & white in this case. It can be grey. In fact, right now it is grey & grey is a beautiful mid tone. There is not a choice to be made yet, only a step to be taken & I need not be afraid to walk a little way along this path.
I suppose I need not ever be afraid but I just need to learn that.
It is when you are the most fearful that God is asking you to just trust that he has it all under control. That he has written the plan & that if you just let him, he will take care of it. The world may come at you with its savagery but he has the power to literally calm the storm. Your responsibility is to trust & to be aware that you are fearful & what that fear is related to. To recognize it, record it & break it down into sizable pieces that you can chew up & spit out.
Tonight I ask for a peace & a calm. I ask for more signs, I ask him to take me there to the places he wants to lead me. I want to walk the path of his plan… I want to fulfil the purpose he has laid out for me & be happy & satisfied that I have given of myself to the world & that the world is better off & so am I. I want to fearlessly step out, key in hand & unlock the doors that lead to these unknown places.
I want to come alive like the sunshine when he takes me back to the places where my heart was happiest & where my hands were toiling over beautiful things that made my whole soul shine like a bright light in the darkness. This world will be mine, this world that was borne with me & from me… and I will walk there once again.