TRIGGERED (Motherhood grace under pressure)

TRIGGERED (Motherhood grace under pressure)

Hey explorers!!! Let me be honest here & just admit for the umpteenth time this year that momming is hard. If you follow me on FB, you would have seen one of my latest posts about exactly this subject but nothing will prepare you for the raw, unadulterated honesty that I am about to shed on these here pages. Motherhood makes me feel TRIGGERED. It is all the types of pressure…. but pressure produces diamonds right? RIGHT!!!???  There are times when I begin to doubt every single aspect of myself because I get so caught up in not being able to control what happens around me with my kids. This is however also a story about grace. Grace under pressure.
Moving to online homeschooling was a personal decision we made earlier this year. It came at a time when there was so much uncertainty in the world & especially in the country. As a family, we needed to make some calls about what we wanted 2021 to look like & to feel like. Clearly we thought that 2020 had not stretched us nearly enough. We were feeling SUPER brave!
In November/ December 2019, God started talking to me about homeschooling my children. I am obedient but I AM NOT THAT OBEDIENT! I wrestled mentally with the prompting I received & I resigned myself to the fact that I was just feeling anxious about my son starting high school & that this was just being compounded by anxiety around that change, the unexpected & new beginnings. Now…. to be honest, I think homeschooling scared me WAAAYYYY more than sending him to high school so I had coffee with a friend, made peace with the fact that he (my son) would overcome & that all would be well. It WAS WELL. He started high school, settled well & we were feeling positive. What I didn’t realise was that God had been preparing me for 2020 & ‘ABNORMAL is the NEW NORMAL.’ Yes, we have that kind of relationship, God & I…..
We have that “Preview this idea Lynne because I think if I hit you with it in transit, it might break you….” kind of relationship. In December 2018, before I lost my sister, I was being spiritually prepared to relinquish her to the Kingdom & I didn’t have a clue it was coming. I talk about that on another blog called LIFE (I didn’t add the link because this piece is not about that season)
In 2020, when the Covid 19 numbers started spiking & international lockdown became a talked about possibility & then a reality, I was mentally prepared to go into a new space. A space where schooling from home was not such a foreign & scary concept anymore. Well, not as scary as it was when God first started talking to be about it in Nov/Dec 2019. We locked down on 26 March 2020 & the crazy journey of managing the day to day schooling of my 2 humans began. I struggled daily, trying to manage my sanity, the unknown, my fear, my business, being cooped up, our health & everything that 2020 brought with it. Then we survived it & looking back I could see all the growth, the development & the beautiful, messy, magnificent evolution that we had undergone as a family. The gratitude around overcoming & surviving with my health in tact was a blessing that misted over the challenges. Sooooo many had lost so much & we were unbelievably grateful to even be alive.
Enter 2021…. God started whispering new things to me. This may have been exacerbated by the uncertainty of the governments ability to navigate & manage the education system and it may have been fed by the fears around the virus taking on new variants & becoming even more unpredictable than it was in its inception. Mostly based on wanting to sow into & develop aspects of my children that I don’t get to witness directly when they are at school, the aspects that I had now been privy to (compliments of 2020 lockdown)… I began to toy with the idea of intentionally shifting the landscape of my children’s education, their potential, their future. God has been consistently talking to me about being prepared, about sowing into the areas that actually matter. Being prepared for the season ahead, preparing the barns for the harvest, the soil for the seeds, the workers for their required assignments. All of this is beautiful, soul inspiring intention….. but honestly, I didn’t fully comprehend or understand how much this particular designation would sssssttttrrrreeettttccccchhh me. Time to get super REAL. This process makes me feel completely out of control. I am not dealing with a client, I am dealing with my children…. who think that I am punishing them when I ask them to focus, when I hover too much, when I ask too many questions. It challenges my need to control certain situations, it challenges my ability to manage my own emotions in light of theirs. It challenges my faith in my abilities & it makes me feel completely inadequate. I cry. I stress. I shout. I curse under my breath. I lock myself in the bathroom. I drink wine. I pray. I ponder. I BEG God for help. For clarity, sanity & strength. The process makes me use my reframing & perspective tools ALOT! I love using my tools for coaching. Coaching makes me happy, fills me with so much joy. I love deep discussion, realisation, reflection, perspective, purpose. Coaching is one of my absolute life forces. But coaching my kids is hard AF! I’m going to be a mega coach after this process settles. I can pray, I can visualise, I can be aware, I can take strategic action, set SMART goals and celebrate but I still struggle to coach my kids. AND yet, this might be the most important job I’ll ever have to do. It’s really good practice. Heads up clients & potential clients… I’m becoming a seasoned pro!
This homeschooling process is sharpening my humility, my patience, giving me insight, compassion, it is reminds that it’s not always easy or pleasurable to do what is right or what is required. It’s such a great dose of reality for the dreamer aspect of my personality. You see change is challenging. Transformation is hard. Evolution is sticky…. but GRACE, grace is sufficient.
Even more so there is LOVE. Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honour. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offence. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving.
This is me showing you that it is totally okay to not know. It is okay to be afraid, to feel out of control. It is totally okay to be ‘failing forward’. You are in fact not failing, you are growing. You are learning, adjusting, reconfiguring. You are germinating, stretching, sprouting. Growth is messy. I’m armed with my tools but I’m stumbling around and I’m needing to just keep on keeping on. So best believe I’ve got you…. I know how freaking hard change is. I know how challenging stretch is. I know how hard it is to remain focused, to reframe and to keep adjusting your perspective. I know. I’m going to keep on doing what I do to to get better at this… This is my motivation to you. It IS HARD. Figuring things out. Finding what works for you. Building your ideal life & situation. Finding your strengths. Finding your sweet spot & accepting where you’re not as strong as what you hoped. Conceptualising your dream life & then creating it. It’s hard but it’s not impossible. I am living proof that it CAN BE DONE!
Much love until the next one…
Lynne
xx
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