During April, amidst celebrating the resurrection of Christ, I have come home to myself. It happened almost completely unintentionally & unexpectedly through exploring some of the things I struggle with in my relationships. My husband began to ask me questions which left me reeling & I stood face to face to face with many thoughts, beliefs & emotions that I had been at loggerheads with for the longest time.
I have often felt misunderstood & to a degree occasionally questioning parts of who I am & how I show up because I wondered if it was wrong & maybe difficult for the world to accept. In simpler terms…. dimming my own light. Creating a disability to make other people feel more comfortable. Dulling my shine so that those who are around me don’t feel threatened & afraid. The truth however is that I hadn’t even really accepted some of these aspects of myself. I didn’t truly understand it & I had not even really unpacked it with myself previously. In this journey, My Evolution Journey of becoming… coming home to myself, I felt like I had unlocked a door & through that door… I stepped into fully integrating my purpose to my design. I understand the way I am built. I understand what I love & what I find joy in… but I didn’t truly fully comprehend how I feel, be, connect & WHY I do the things that I do. I feel like I may sound like I am talking in riddles & I am struggling to build the words into sentences that make sense. Let me therefor begin by explaining who I believed I am.
I am a chameleon. I am extremely versatile & flexible. I can fit into any situation & setting & I am able to be relatable should I decide its something I want to do. I have always deemed it to be a gift BUT I have always had to have extreme awareness around it. Awareness that I do not deny who I truly am (authentically) to fit in with the people I am surrounded by. I remember during my tenure in corporate, I felt exhausted from flexing myself into all the different guises that was required for me to be who was required in my job, for my clients & internationally for our business partners.To my immediate staff, support staff & the rest of our team. Because of my gift, I could get things done & people felt impassioned to do what I encouraged them to do in order to reach our business goals & kpi’s. I have been able to elevate myself, to take myself down to the most humble level & everything in between. I have the ability to shape & mould myself to suit situations, people & requirements. I have had to be so careful to not take advantage of this gift. I have always had to be aware to not manipulate situations & people. Not to use my gift to my advantage at the expense of other people or myself.
Dimming my light & my ability has been an affliction that I think came naturally by nature of what the world encourages & discourages.