What has inspired this BLOG post? If anything, I am always honest to a fault because I understand fully that in order for me to evolve as I need to, I must be upfront with myself & in awareness of where I may be struggling. That means being honest with those around me too! With you.
I am upset. My heart is broken & I am hurting. I have so many questions running through my mind but at the same time, I know the answers & they point directly back at me. My choices, my traumas, my challenges. The things I don’t give myself enough space to feel & so they are not given enough air to form a scab & become a scar rather than remain an open wound. In this post, we will talk about feelings & not being allowed to feel them & what that does to your mind, your heart & your confidence. I have chosen to talk in this area today because I realised that there have been times that I have been FORCED to be okay when I have NOT BEEN OKAY!
Firstly let me say that it is 100% okay for you to feel HOWEVER you are feeling about challenges in your life right now. It is only by facing & acknowledging these uncomfortable emotions, that you will be able to process them in order to work through them.
There’s something very freeing that comes from being allowed to feel what you are feeling in any given moment. It is freeing because you are creating space for those feelings to be present and out in the open. When you allow the challenging emotions some space, they are able to dissipate a lot quicker and when they are stored in a warm dark place inside you. Just like a seed when something is planted in a warm dark space it can germinate and grow and it will constantly seek out light moisture and nourishment in order to gain momentum in its growth. exploring your feelings means naming them out loud to yourself or another person who is able to help you articulate unpack and process them in a safe way. sometimes even just naming the feelings out loud assists your brain in diffusing the challenging energy around those feelings.
Not feeling your feelings may include the following:
- Not being given enough space by yourself or others to feel your feelings
- Being in denial about your feelings because they cause you to feel shame
- Being uncomfortable with challenging emotions because they make others feel uncomfortable
- Not taking enough time to deal with the challenging emotions
- Wanting to sugarcoat the emotions so they don’t feel as hectic
- Not wanting deal with challenging emotions because it feels evil somehow & goes against your religious beliefs
- Being gaslit or gaslighting yourself
- Pretending you are okay & staying strong & positive
- Wanting to get to fixing before you get to feeling
- Sweeping the discomfort under the rug because it makes you feel ‘tired’
Do any of these resonate with you? Which ones? Did you know that not allowing yourself the space you need to feel your feelings can not only cause you to betray yourself but it also causes you to erode your confidence, affect your courage, lose your sense of self, increase overthinking & cause burnout & exhaustion.
Let’s unpack all of these & see the various ways these can play out. Where they may stem from & how they can affect you positively or negatively.
Not being given enough space by yourself or others to feel your feelings
Sometimes as children, we were not given enough space to feel our feelings. Our feelings may have been BIG & SCARY for the adults around us & they may have been ill equipped to deal with the challenging emotions. They may not have had the time, tools or resources to support us or teach us to communicate effectively in this area. This may not be their faults but it is our reality & oftentimes its a hurtful & damaging reality. We may have learned that sharing our feelings causes us to be ignored, scolded, criticised, made fun of. We may have noticed that when sharing, those around us became exhausted & unable to function well themselves. The adults around us may have become reactive & violent or dismissive. We then learn to push the feelings & challenging emotions down in an attempt to protect ourselves or others. We hide them. We fill our space & time with the pretty things that feel good & make others feel good.
The downside of this is that our brains go into autopilot & will then, going forward automate the process of hiding, restricting the space & creating sometimes even creating busyness around us so that there is no time or energy to unpack the challenging emotions.
Imagine a world where we allow our own children to feel their feelings. Imagine the freedom they will feel. Imagine when they are able to move through it & there is peace on the other side?
Being in denial about your feelings because they cause you to feel shame
Being made to feel ashamed of how we are feeling is another way that we learn to control & temper our emotions. Shame may come from what we were told about our emotions that was not positive. Someone may be projecting their own discomfort around your feelings onto you & this may because you to feel shame.
The shame may come from the strong physical reactions your body may have around your challenging emotions. Perhaps you have struggled previously to recognise & communicate your feelings safely & well & the resultant outcome damaged a relationship.
In some religious organisations, challenging emotions are frowned upon & discouraged. You may experience shame around these emotions because you have been made to believe that these feelings are bad; damning & can cause you to be tossed in to the eternal hellfires.
Imagine a world where you can pray in one minute & be overcome with your emotions the next. Where lifes’ challenges don’t seem as shocking because you know how to navigate them. Where you KNOW you will overcome & the fear is a lot less intense.
Being uncomfortable with challenging emotions because they make others feel uncomfortable
We are built for connection & comfort. In the bible, Jesus gives the disciples the gift of the Holy Spirit (the Comforter) as a guide. It is our desire to have harmonious & joy filled relations that bring us peace & make us feel loved. That is our innate desire. We are made in the image of GOD & GOD is LOVE!
When people are not comfortable with how we are feeling, they may project their discomfort onto us. This makes us feeling even more shameful & possibly increases our own overstimulation. They may want us to move past the emotions quickly & bring back the peace. They may want us to use softer words & a less harsh tone. They may not want to deal with their own role in the challenge & they may be unable to help us figure out how to move forward. They may have no idea of where to even begin. The discomfort of others is not a good enough reason to deny how we are feeling. It can lead to resentment, pent up anger & inevitably cause discomfort & damage anyway.
Imagine a world where we all know that challenging emotions WILL come. A world where we know that we will have challenges but that we can overcome the world. Like Jesus said we could. We can!!
Not taking enough time to deal with the challenging emotions
TIME OUT!!! What does that look like? 2 minutes, 5 hours. 1 day, several? A month? For each of us that looks different. It looks different because we are wired differently. We process things at a different pace. We require different things. Not taking enough time to deal with your emotions can cause you to store those emotions somewhere inside your body or your brain. It may not allow you to logically navigate the problem because you have not allowed your emotional brain to do what it needs to.
Inevitably, rushing your own process can lead to resentment & the resurfacing of those emotions much more frequently or intensely than before.
Imagine a world where you were allowed to feel, deal & heal? A world where you process, learn & grow. Where are understand where you are at & how to support yourself when you are there?
Wanting to sugarcoat the emotions so they don’t feel as hectic
Challenging emotions are not always pretty. They are sometimes messy & erratic. They make the brain feel unsafe & like it is temporarily losing control. The brain is an organ of habit & pattern. It wants to avoid what does not feel good & it wants to reduce threat & energy wasting at all costs.
Sugarcoating emotions may look like using ‘nice words’ to describe messy emotion
Not wanting deal with challenging emotions because it feels evil somehow & goes against your religious beliefs
Centuries have gone by where we go to churches & other religious institutions where we are asked how we are doing & we answer with a smile “FINE!!! thank you” even when we are DYING SLOWLY on the inside. There are verses we have all heard in church & other places like:
REST on the promises of God
Pray & it will all be okay
Faith will get you through this
I will pray for you
Gods grace is sufficient
and the truth is that sometimes we actually need support, acknowledgement, healing, help, therapy. Sometimes we require intervention, medication, collaboration & tangible love. Feeling your feelings are not evil, even when those feelings are uncomfortable. It is not sinful to be angry or sad or irrational. It doesn’t make you posses or demonic or crazy. It makes you human. YES- Gods grace is there & it IS SUFFICIENT but as part of the human BODY…. we are meant to help one another. Imagine a world where you can feel & know that you WILL OVERCOME that feelings once you are allowed to give them some space.
Being gaslit or gaslighting yourself
You are being over emotional
You are too sensitive
You are overreacting
STOP being so dramatic
Why can’t you just be calm & not be so stressed out all the time?
Just some of the things we say to ourselves & to our children. GOSH! We invalidate VERY VALID experiences that we are having & that invalidation causes mental & physical damage to our neurone & cells. Imagine a world where you are acknowledged & reassured. Where you are allowed to have your feelings & once they pass, you can move forward with confidence? That world can be a reality for you… for those close to you.
Imagine a world where we didnt use our words to hurt others. Where we were so comfortable with discomfort that we could navigate it with ease & also support others to do the same.
Pretending you are okay & staying strong & positive
Growing up in a previously disadvantaged family of colour means SURVIVAL! It means ‘keeping the BLINK KAT BO!’ It means sucking it up & staying positive and often that also means betraying yourself. It means being the good girl, the strong one. Positive Polly. Always UPBEAT! Always lekker & yet the struggle is REALER than REAL!
This level of pretence is a lie & a lie is a sin! Do you think that laying to yourself makes it less of a sin in the eyes of God? Do we understand the physical, mental & emotional repercussions of that lie? I didn’t. Perhaps we will never full comprehend the damage we are doing to ourselves & to our minds. What I can assure you… is that being honest with yourself means LESS of that soul zapping feeling.
Imagine a world where you don’t need to pretend or lie to yourself & others?
Wanting to get to fixing before you get to feeling
YES! I have been there. In that place where you want to TAKE ACTION! In the Vision foundational framework & Dreamers Blueprint, you will TACKLE dealing with your current reality & see that you must FEEL before you FIX! Sometimes when you feel, you realise that there is actually no need to fix at all. The feeling space already gives you a semblance of clarity & direction on how to move forward.
Imagine a world where you didn’t have to pretend to be a FIXIT FELIX or POSITIVE POLLY? Where you could just be you & know it was safe to do that? Where you didn’t have to rush through your own feelings & burn yourself out doing it!
Sweeping the discomfort under the rug because it makes you feel ‘tired’
I know that feeling. That feeling of knowing that if you face the emotions, you will have to be accountable for them too. You will have to face up to them & make changes. You will have to choose differently for your own wellbeing. Change makes us feel afraid. It makes us feel unsure. How will others react? How will you cope if there is resistance?
Let me tell you that there is nothing more exhausting than living with the discomfort & pain you are holding inside. The level of tiredness & eventually burnout that comes from ‘sweeping’ all day is fair beyond the temporary discomfort that comes from beginning to make the changes.
Imagine a world where we will no longer sweep all the things under the rug? Where we will be allowed to look at the things that are not ‘lekker’ or comfortable?
The OUTCOMES of the above are simple:
- Lack of trust
- Lack of awareness
- Exhaustion
- Struggle to communicate
- Hiding
- Shrinking
- Lack of courage
- Self abandonment
- Self doubt
- Burnout
BOLD-BRAVE-ACTIVATED:
I don’t think these need explaining. I think you know what these are… what they look like. I DO NOT want this for you! I want you to have freedom & faith. I want you to know that you are NOT going to be destroyed by the world! You are NOT going to be destroyed by your own struggles.
Betraying yourself may have become a survival mechanism. You may have experienced shame when using an assertive tone or asking for what you need or want.Your brain is on autopilot. It is following an emotional or physical journey that it has experienced before when you were a child. The good news is that your brain can be rewired.
Whether as you were growing up, learning to survive in the world as a child & later as an adult… betraying yourself & your personal needs may have been a way to stay safe. To avoid conflict. To keep the peace. To feel loved & accepted. Your brain is trying to maintain the status quo even though its no longer serving you or in fact hurting you. You can choose differently for yourself & you can shift your own reality!
You can learn to become assertive in asking for your needs to be met. You can be BOLD, BRAVE & ACTIVATED in dealing with your own challenges & teach others to do the same.
Your brain needs to go through an evolution of being rewired within this area. In The Upper Room Evolution Collective, we will deal with how to do this everyday. I am so glad that you decided to come & navigate your evolution here.
What about this post has resonated with you? What are your personal struggles in this area?